Early Morning

I woke up at 5.30am, this isn't unusual for me. Normally I try to ignore my body's wish to get up and get started so that Meat can sleep a little longer. Meat seems to need a lot of sleep. He's been that way since we met, he will fall asleep anywhere, anytime. It comes from his time in the military (yeah, what a great match, a Hippie Veghead Pacifist + Meat) and it's one habit he's held onto.

5.30am this morning, though, I couldn't go back to sleep or zone to the TV, which at least lulls me into a dozy state. Instead, I checked my e-mail, caught up with my RSS and browsed enough recipes to make me gain 5kg.

7.30am - went into the bathroom and was wowed by how great my hair looked despite my sleeping on it all night. Then remembered that since I broke my collarbone I sleep propped up so it doesn't take much of a beating. Still wowed by my hair anyway since this time last year it looked thin and horrible. Then I stopped using shampoo and amazingly, my hair has body and got its natural wave back. I probably appreciate my hair more since I thought it was gone.

Finally, I went out into the rest of the house and started breakfast. It's a glorious, sunshiney day. In the same way that cloudy, rainy days slow me down, sunny days give me extra energy. My laundry's hung on the line, I'm baking a cake - a vegan, organic, healthy ingredients cake, and thereby extra delicious. Indian music plays to keep me united to my far-flung friends who are getting into Diwali. Maybe we'll make some boondi or bhajis later on.

I think it's going to be a wonderful day!

Sick & Tired or Tired of Being Sick

I hate illness. I hate being sick. I hate asking someone else to do something for me or to take care of me. I truly am an independent person. I love the feeling of accomplishment at taking care of myself, mastering new skills and trying new experiences. When I first became ill, a friend asked if it wasn't nice to have my husband worry over me. Let it be known that Meat doesn't worry over me when I'm sick. At least he never used to. And that was fine. He was 3,000 miles away when I was first diagnosed with cancer. He was 3,000 miles away while I was dealing with pre-term labour and a high-risk pregnancy. We managed. I learned new skills, I mastered the situation. I coped. I became a stronger person.

The last two weeks have been misery. My lymph nodes on my left side have puffed up to an absurd size and I have been unable to fully use my left arm. At first it was total loss of use and agony. Meat, who never worries, never hovers, never left my side. He kept me in episodes of SmapXSmap for laughter therapy, rubbed arnica cream on my shoulder and didn't sleep. It is an experience I never want to re-live.

Now I can raise it a little and use it some. Not fully, but enough to make it seem like life is returning to normal. I hate sitting here like a useless blob. I want to get up and re-conquer my kitchen. I want to put on my shirt without pain. I want to hang laundry on the line. I want to sleep lying down and not propped up.

I had another friend who once said that she wasn't cut out for the commoner life, that she surely should have been a princess. She hated cookery, didn't want to take care of her husband and son and was happy sitting watching television all day. I still feel, as I did when she told me her thoughts, that it was a sad way to live. Perhaps I'm not living the Princess Life right now but I'll be thrilled when I can go back to my "mundane" days. Bring them on...please.

When She's Good, She's Very Very Good

I am trying to evolve my thinking from the Western way I have adopted to the Eastern way of my childhood. In particular, I'm trying to reclaim the thought process dealing with disease. Illness is so confusing to me in the Western way of thinking...on the one hand every illness is A Big Deal. "It's the SWINE FLUUUU" or "It's CANCER!!" but the same doctors who tell you that the treatment will require you to go into debt or forfeit life as you know it also tell you that it's no big deal and that aside from tinkering with your diet or exercising, there really isn't much that you, as a Mere Mortal, can do. I don't understand this way of thinking. In Eastern thinking, you are the catalyst for healing and change. You can stop your body going out of order, you can help when the little signs of disease appear. You do not have to be operating at a constantly acute level. That makes sense to me.

While I would not call myself a Daoist, it is a sensible way of seeing the world to me. I am just exploring the ideas of the Dao De Jing and the Zhuangzi so I am only reacting to my initial impressions. I have long believed that all of life is wrapped up in itself, in other words, that every action has a result. This also extends to our health. Every action we take, be it food, stress, exercise, sleep, you name it, affects our health.

Some people may think I'm looking for answers, that illness is leading me down the Hare Krishna path. Not so. I have always been looking for answers, always been in the pursuit of learning and knowledge. I have also constantly searched for peace. Much of Western society and culture is the antithesis of peace. It has not had any benefit to my life. Honestly, my life hasn't been better because I ate a McBurger, watched Rambo or listened to Madonna. I have not become a better person from those things, I have not increased my health. Obviously it's not designed to. But that's my point, I have been moving all my life towards the point where I understand that my life should be overflowing with things that will bring health, happiness and yes, make me a better person. It's a concept I have understood and tried to follow for years, I just didn't know how to.

Overflowing the Glass

Okay, let's get it over with: I suck. I don't know how other people with illness, other people with cancer, balance their lives and keep all the plates spinning. I just know that I really, truly stink at it. The hardest thing is not having enough energy. I get through each day. I barely get through each day. The second-hardest thing is seeing that I'm "losing" more and more. I see there are things I no longer am able to do. Does this mean I'm losing? Maybe I just need a good nap. Or a trip to the Bahamas and a sunny beach. Is there somewhere I could get an organic slushy drink with an umbrella in it in the Bahamas? Note to self: check this out before booking flight to Bahamas. If necessary, change fantasy location.

If you have someone in your life who is ill, here's some advice: s/he needs support. That person needs love and compassion. It's hard enough to fight a major illness without having someone to watch your back. It can be the difference between willing to get up another day and not even trying, just knowing that there is somebody who truly cares. Sure, bringing meals or a funny movie can be a lifeline, but you know what's even better? Knowing that person so well that you're in tune with his/her needs and moods. It's hard to ask for help or for support, sometimes even we don't know what we want so how could we tell you? That's where having someone who knows you well helps. If you have a loved one who is ill, please keep this in mind.

So, I'll try not to suck too bad anymore. Yeah, there's illness and ickiness and misery and pity-potting going on here sometimes. Most of the time, not. There's a lot of joy going on here. And I am truly grateful for that.

Romantic Princess, early impressions...

So I've mentioned I've been watching a few TW idol dramas lately. To correct that, I actually have seen a few and seen some episodes of a few more. I've finished Go! Fried Rice also known as Rolling Love, which I adored. I've seen some episodes of So I'm Not Handsome, Hana Kimi, Smiling Pasta the Jiro-rific KO One and it's sequel The X-Family. Currently I'm watching Romantic Princess...I've seen parts of it while others have watched (ie: actually followed what's going on) but this time it's serious.

I'm only in Chapter 4, most of which I've seen already. I love the music in this, the Angela Zhang songs are fantastic, even "Over the Rainbow", which I usually hate. The theme by Fahrenheit and S.H.E. is catchy, the Fahrenheit version is one of my fave songs. My biggest pride in this show is that my very few (okay, maybe three or four) words of Mandarin are helpful! The sets are luxurious although I'm not over-the-top in love with the clothes (okay, confession time: I actually do dress like Rainie Yang in Miss No Good!)

I'll wait to comment on the story and my thoughts on that after I've finished. I do like Angela Zhang and Wu Zhun as a couple, they're cute and Ye Ye (Emp) is delightfully clever. So far, favourite character - Housekeeper Yi! How can you not love him?

Taipei Honey

I've been watching a lot of Taiwanese idol dramas lately. Some people that I know, obviously Not Nice People, call me all sorts of names because I gave up on American television years ago. Don't know who has ever been on American Idol, never watched that celebrity dancing show. "Survivor" in my world is making it to the week-end.

Contrary to their opinion, I am not a snob, I just don't like what's going on American TV these days. What has replaced it is Asian dramas - Korean dramas, Japanese dramas, and yes, Taiwanese dramas. The aforementioned Not Nice People helpfully point out that one must suspend all sense of reality to watch many of these programmes. I agree totally, because we all know that American TV shows us life like it really is. Before I and my closest (very ugly) friends all became successful serial sluts with all kinds of Ambition, I lived in a house with a bunch of friends (male and female) all of us with fabulous hair (even total strangers copied us) where we lovingly shared the ups and downs of being generally angsty and trying to figure out who we loved and, more importantly, who was going to change the monkey's diaper. Despite the criticism of well-meaning friends who desire to see me embracing the truth of American TV and leaving the cult of Asian dramas, I cling to my Asian fairy tales.

Why? Probably because they take me back to my childhood in Okinawa. Maybe because, while everyone else is trying to figure out if Turkey is really in Asia or Europe, I feel more Asian than European. Perhaps it's because of the food - as an unlikely foodie (I can go for days without eating and not even notice) I have a strong affinity with many Asian foods, and certainly miss the flavours and aromas of my early childhood Japanese meals. Definitely because the family dynamics and morals fit what my husband and I are living. Certainly because I like the humour and storylines. Frequently because I really enjoy the theme songs and background music. Often because I find the actors appealing and adorable. Always because they're family-oriented so I don't blush if my kids walk in on me watching them.

So what's on my mind lately are Taiwanese dramas. Expect my pitiful impressions of what I'm watching in the days to come.

Regeneration

The whole point in this is that I'm supposed to be becoming the person I was meant to be. Time takes a toll on us all and I want to get rid of the things that are harmful and useless and embrace all the good qualities that life has given me. Easy to say, hard to do. So many things that years ago I wished were a part of my personality, my character, are now. I'm thankful for that. But some wounds, sustained in childhood and continually re-injured as life went on, need to heal for good. Even if they leave scars. Scars at least show that our bodies are trying to get past the wounds. So I want for my life the best for me so that I can have peace and also to be the best for others in my life.

Right now there are many wounds I'm dealing with, I'm sure no more and probably some less than others. My goal is healing, day by day, minute by minute if need be.