Early Morning

I woke up at 5.30am, this isn't unusual for me. Normally I try to ignore my body's wish to get up and get started so that Meat can sleep a little longer. Meat seems to need a lot of sleep. He's been that way since we met, he will fall asleep anywhere, anytime. It comes from his time in the military (yeah, what a great match, a Hippie Veghead Pacifist + Meat) and it's one habit he's held onto.

5.30am this morning, though, I couldn't go back to sleep or zone to the TV, which at least lulls me into a dozy state. Instead, I checked my e-mail, caught up with my RSS and browsed enough recipes to make me gain 5kg.

7.30am - went into the bathroom and was wowed by how great my hair looked despite my sleeping on it all night. Then remembered that since I broke my collarbone I sleep propped up so it doesn't take much of a beating. Still wowed by my hair anyway since this time last year it looked thin and horrible. Then I stopped using shampoo and amazingly, my hair has body and got its natural wave back. I probably appreciate my hair more since I thought it was gone.

Finally, I went out into the rest of the house and started breakfast. It's a glorious, sunshiney day. In the same way that cloudy, rainy days slow me down, sunny days give me extra energy. My laundry's hung on the line, I'm baking a cake - a vegan, organic, healthy ingredients cake, and thereby extra delicious. Indian music plays to keep me united to my far-flung friends who are getting into Diwali. Maybe we'll make some boondi or bhajis later on.

I think it's going to be a wonderful day!

Sick & Tired or Tired of Being Sick

I hate illness. I hate being sick. I hate asking someone else to do something for me or to take care of me. I truly am an independent person. I love the feeling of accomplishment at taking care of myself, mastering new skills and trying new experiences. When I first became ill, a friend asked if it wasn't nice to have my husband worry over me. Let it be known that Meat doesn't worry over me when I'm sick. At least he never used to. And that was fine. He was 3,000 miles away when I was first diagnosed with cancer. He was 3,000 miles away while I was dealing with pre-term labour and a high-risk pregnancy. We managed. I learned new skills, I mastered the situation. I coped. I became a stronger person.

The last two weeks have been misery. My lymph nodes on my left side have puffed up to an absurd size and I have been unable to fully use my left arm. At first it was total loss of use and agony. Meat, who never worries, never hovers, never left my side. He kept me in episodes of SmapXSmap for laughter therapy, rubbed arnica cream on my shoulder and didn't sleep. It is an experience I never want to re-live.

Now I can raise it a little and use it some. Not fully, but enough to make it seem like life is returning to normal. I hate sitting here like a useless blob. I want to get up and re-conquer my kitchen. I want to put on my shirt without pain. I want to hang laundry on the line. I want to sleep lying down and not propped up.

I had another friend who once said that she wasn't cut out for the commoner life, that she surely should have been a princess. She hated cookery, didn't want to take care of her husband and son and was happy sitting watching television all day. I still feel, as I did when she told me her thoughts, that it was a sad way to live. Perhaps I'm not living the Princess Life right now but I'll be thrilled when I can go back to my "mundane" days. Bring them on...please.

When She's Good, She's Very Very Good

I am trying to evolve my thinking from the Western way I have adopted to the Eastern way of my childhood. In particular, I'm trying to reclaim the thought process dealing with disease. Illness is so confusing to me in the Western way of thinking...on the one hand every illness is A Big Deal. "It's the SWINE FLUUUU" or "It's CANCER!!" but the same doctors who tell you that the treatment will require you to go into debt or forfeit life as you know it also tell you that it's no big deal and that aside from tinkering with your diet or exercising, there really isn't much that you, as a Mere Mortal, can do. I don't understand this way of thinking. In Eastern thinking, you are the catalyst for healing and change. You can stop your body going out of order, you can help when the little signs of disease appear. You do not have to be operating at a constantly acute level. That makes sense to me.

While I would not call myself a Daoist, it is a sensible way of seeing the world to me. I am just exploring the ideas of the Dao De Jing and the Zhuangzi so I am only reacting to my initial impressions. I have long believed that all of life is wrapped up in itself, in other words, that every action has a result. This also extends to our health. Every action we take, be it food, stress, exercise, sleep, you name it, affects our health.

Some people may think I'm looking for answers, that illness is leading me down the Hare Krishna path. Not so. I have always been looking for answers, always been in the pursuit of learning and knowledge. I have also constantly searched for peace. Much of Western society and culture is the antithesis of peace. It has not had any benefit to my life. Honestly, my life hasn't been better because I ate a McBurger, watched Rambo or listened to Madonna. I have not become a better person from those things, I have not increased my health. Obviously it's not designed to. But that's my point, I have been moving all my life towards the point where I understand that my life should be overflowing with things that will bring health, happiness and yes, make me a better person. It's a concept I have understood and tried to follow for years, I just didn't know how to.